20freakin47...

In the 8 years that I've claimed to be a grown-up, I've been throwing my money in the general direction labelled "Retirement" and I've never met with anyone about what a great job I'm doing at saving... I honestly try not to think about the numbers in my retirement account because I find the whole thing really depressing.  The numbers fluctuate, and with each fluctuation I find myself tacking more years onto my career...groan.  I had an appointment today with an advisor for the company that manages the retirement plans for my employer.  I'm not sure exactly what I expected, a little pat on the back "nice job sport", a little "looks good, keep it up"... Wrong-o!  She really didn't have anything bad (or good) to say.  The only thing I really took away from our little meeting was anxiety.  


The retirement calculator thingy that the system uses is quite simple, you enter your estimated year of retirement and the system automatically tapers down your risk the closer you get to retirement.  No biggy... just wish I had thought of something brilliant like that... then I wouldn't have to talk to anyone about my retirement plans because I'd already BE RETIRED!...  So, in big bold print on my account's page it has my estimated year of retirement; 2045.  I cringed when I saw it.  I can't even fathom that number.  AND THEN this horrid little woman says with a shrug, "Realistically, it's really going to be at least 2047"  AND SHE CHANGED THE YEAR!  Just like that.  I almost vomited right there on her laptop.  How dare she!  I choked a little and said, "Good god, I seriously hope I'm not working 12 hour shifts on the floor when I'm 67 years old!"  She smiled and shrugged.  I said, "Lets be optimistic and leave it at 2045" to which she hesitantly said, "ooookay."  That's how she became not my favorite person.  I'm not sure what else she told me.  I just kept seeing the number 2047... 2047... 2047.  Twitch. Twitch. Twitch.  Where's my paper bag.  I could hear my pulse in my ears... uuuuuugghhh.  


In the 2 hours since this meeting I've decided to try two things to help me retire by 2045, NOT 2047: 
1) I'm going to start buying lottery tickets on a routine basis
2) I'm going to start hoarding cash in random places like my great grandmother did- random cupboards, old purses, we even found it in her vacuum along side the vacuum bag- it seemed to work for her- worth a shot, I'd guess.


When the torture was over, I took my belongings and my bruised life plan and started to exit the hospital cafeteria- the uber private place of this fantastic meeting.  And lo, what did I see?  A plant sale... Maybe this meeting wouldn't be total shit... Ah yes, Orchids, my favorite... Meet my new friends.  I may not be able to retire for another 40 effing years but at least I'll have pretty plants.